I’m a Blue.  I can admit it:  a control freak.

Although I have lightened up, I don’t think there is a worse feeling in the world than feeling out of control.  Which is actually kind of silly, because there’s really nothing you can do…it’s out of your control.

Which brings me to the 7-day Mental Diet.  I don’t think I’ve made it through seven full days yet.  Things will be humming along well and then out of the blue…the check tire monitoring system light comes on in the car.  Something simple like adding air to the tires you can control.  The battery dying in the actual sensor that measures how much air is in the tires…not so much in your control.  So you’re down a car for a day – not a big deal.  I’ve made that 7-second turnaround.  But it’s the holidays…and people are out…and the part isn’t readily available…and I’ve now lost any control of the situation I may have had.  I feel icky.  For waaaaay more than seven seconds.

Do over.

In some ways, I feel lighter.  Like I can let things go easier and see the brighter side of things with ease.  Except the control thing.  Logically I know I sometimes will be out of control.  It’s life.  I have two choices:  feel icky and helpless or accept it and move on.  Moving on is, of course, the better option.  So come on subby – time to break the habit.  Let it sink in:  sometimes things are out of your control, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be out of control.

So I was thinking I was going to write about what a challenge giving up TV was…but so far, it really hasn’t been a challenge.  I’ve added a little more time on the treadmill, a little time in the sauna, and some extra time listening to my MKE recording.  What I’ve come to learn is that unless there’s something specific I want to see, television is like background noise to me.  It’s not really something I’m actively involved in – most of the time – but I appreciate it being there while I’m cooking or cleaning or whatever.

On the other hand, this 7-day mental challenge is keeping me on my toes.  I’ve learned that children are the universe’s way of saying, “You think you’re in control…think again.”  I can’t say it’s been a week of drama, but a few challenges have been sprinkled in there just to test my ability to use the Law of Substitution.   Gained four pounds in one day…you know it’s just water retention from your heavy lifting day.  Think how much stronger you’re getting and how far you’ve come.  Found out that the client of a client has re-evaluated their brand and decided to choose fresh talent for both their male and female voices.  You know how much you’d rather be voicing imaging anyway.  Start figuring out a way to gain a few more stations.

That’s pretty much how my week went.  I think I actually was able to turn myself around in 7 seconds or less without a blowup or thoughts that just kept lingering forever.  Does that mean I’ve mastered it?  Not even close.  I’m willing to say I’m getting better, but election day is behind us and the holidays are still hanging out there.  The holidays…that will be the true test.  Think good thoughts.

Things were going so well…I had made it nearly all through Monday on a positive note.  And then it happened…”Oh yeah, did I tell you that my brother called my dad and told him that he’d give him $100 if he voted straight republican?”  I tried to let it go.  I really tried to think about something else.  And then it came creeping back.  There was my downfall.  His brother simply has a way of getting under my skin – and festering like a big oozing sore.

I just kept telling myself:  Tuesday will be better.  And it started that way.  Although it’s my off-week, I do-it-now’d myself into going to the gym – and I was feeling pretty fantastic about it!  I noticed the polling place parking lot was beyond full as I was headed to the gym.  I thought:  excellent!  I’ll go later when it’s not so busy.

And so I did.  The lines were still long – like seriously long.  Okay, settle in for a long wait.  It’s okay – this will be good.  Read the posted signage about the ballot and rules for voting…seriously, there is a law about taking a selfie with your ballot.  And that’s where it started.  Among the chatter of the lady on the phone talking about waaaaaay more than I ever wanted to about the intimate details of her life, the nearly non-existent line for the other half of the alphabet, and the selfie law, I started getting anxious.  Deep breath in.  Think about the good things in life…lady please stop talking.  All I wanted to do was vote.  And that’s when it crossed my mind, “my brother called my dad and told him that he’d give him $100 if he voted straight republican.”   And I had this powerless feeling of:  You’re done!  I own you!!

For about a half hour it just went downhill from there.  Anxious.  He’s an a$$.  Don’t let him bother you.  Quit thinking about it.  I can’t!  Time to vote.  Fine.  Fine.  Fine.  Seriously, it really matters if the coroner is a democrat or a republican?  Shouldn’t it matter if he/she is a good doctor that has ample investigatory skills to deduce cause of death?  I simply don’t understand how a coroner’s political affiliation matters whatsoever.  The abyss of darkness was pulling me in.  Last category:  done.

Not my finest hour.  Okay – back to Day 1 of 7.  Can I have a do over?

So today I had a session with my voice coach.  He’s got the best ear I’ve ever encountered.  Seriously, he can detect when you’re not fully engaged in a story by hearing a single word.  Not only that, but he’s intensely into the strategy of taking your career to the next level.

We’ve been talking about strategy lately, but I’m not sure if I ever fully gave it my all. Today I put myself out there.  I sent him some stuff I’d been working on and asked him to listen…good, bad, what did he think?  We talked about the spots and how I could use them to leverage my position in the market.  And then we talked about a few ideas that I had been thinking about breaking into another genre of the industry further.  It was good.

The best part of it was when he said to me, “This is great.  I haven’t seen you excited about what you really want for a while now.  What’s got you so focused?”

The truth is, for the longest time I was just rolling with the flow.  I gave up on thinking about what I really want.  Until lately.  Until this.

The ball is rolling and there’s no stopping now.  Time to get to work.

Today I was shopping with my son.  He was looking for perfume to buy for a friend’s birthday.  The fragrance section is right next to the cased handbags.  He caught me looking at one in particular and asked, “Would you like it for Christmas?”.  All I could come back with is, “It’s nice.”

We walked around the store a bit and he kept pressing, “You like it right?  Seriously, you haven’t gotten a new purse since forever.  Let me get it for you.”

I continued to do everything I could to stall with, “It’s kind of expensive.  I’m good and we’ve still got a couple months ’til Christmas.  Why don’t you just hold off for a while and if you don’t find anything else, then you decide if you want to buy it.”

I believe I saw an eye roll, followed by, “You know how hard you are to buy for.  You seriously need to learn to be able to receive.  You’ve given me so much already and you continue to give me more all the time.  You support me with school and work and all the ideas I come up with.  Just let me give something back to you.”

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.  He’s right.  I give – that’s what I do.  Receiving – it’s always been a challenge.

Time for a change.  I’ve got to do both – give and receive.

A deep breath followed by “You’re right.  I need to work on that.”

He smiled and said, “Yeah, you do.  Now let’s go get that purse.”

It’s fall.  It’s chilly.  It’s almost Halloween.  Halloween is my favorite holiday ever.  It’s about fun and kids being kids – and let’s face it, it’s about adults being kids…and don’t even get me started on the fact that’s it’s open season for horror movies…seriously, Halloween is pure joy!

As I mentioned, there are horror movies a plenty during this season.  This week, I took on the challenge of not plopping down on the couch and binging on endless hours of the Halloween series.  I’ll admit, I’ve seen each one – yes, all of them – at least ten times…probably more like 50 for the original.  The urge was strong, but I resisted.  Habits make the man and this one is changing…if ever so slight.  While I couldn’t resist having them on in the background while I cleaned the house and got other things in order, I did not plant myself in front of the television.

I’ve been continuing the “do it now!” affirmation  at least a hundred times a day and more on treadmill days.  I believe it’s beginning to take hold.  Only 10 more days ’till Halloween.  Soldier on and do it now!

Tuesday & Thursday are lifting days, followed by a half-hour on the treadmill.  Instead of letting my mind wander aimlessly during treadmill time this week, I made a concerted effort to say – excitedly, but in my mind so the person on the next treadmill didn’t call security on me – “Do it now!” over and over.  In thirty minutes time I’m guessing I must have said it to myself at least a thousand times.

After I left the gym, I went on with my day, did my readings & did a couple rounds of “Do it now!” out loud.  I didn’t really think about it until I finished up with work on Tuesday.  It was a long day and I was a little wiped.  My initial thought was:  sit down – you’ve got to teach in a couple hours so you need a break.  I sat for about ten seconds and then out of nowhere I had the urge to get up and get some laundry done.  After that, I grabbed the can of furniture polish and made a quick round throughout the house.  Then the broom.  It continued as such.

Now that I think of it, I don’t think I sat down again before heading off to teach class, except to put my shoes on.  Small steps, but moving in the right direction.

Keep listening subby – you’ve got big things to accomplish!

This week it was driven home that we need to read our DMPs and the last read of the day of the Scroll 1 with excitement.  With Passion.  With Gusto.

It needs to be read with intense feeling so the message can make it to the subconscious in a more effective manner.

This got me thinking or maybe remembering is a better term.  I’ve been told – wow, I don’t even know if I can recall how many times – that I’m calm.  Reserved.  Quiet.  I think my favorite was “whoa – I’ve seen people completely losing their s#!t for waaaay less – you’ve gotta be the calmest person I’ve ever met!”

I think it comes from the way I grew up.  It wasn’t exactly an ideal household and I was left as the one that had to hold a lot of things together.  There was a lot of yelling and unhappiness and seeing things that a kid really shouldn’t see.   I was determined that I could escape that life.  I would be different.  All I had to do was keep it together until I could get out.  So I became calm, accepting, & open-minded.  And those traits stuck with me even after I left.

My point to all this is:  I’m going to have to dig pretty deep to express excitement or passion or gusto.  What if I can’t dig deep enough, be expressive enough, or feel enough to make an impact on my subconscious?  Maybe this fear is just another sign of resistance being thrown up, because my subby wants to keep on doing what it’s always done.

Screw it.  I’m making a change.  Feel damn it!  Feel!

Okay – I’ve made it this far.  This is where the nerves kick in.  This is where that little voice starts kicking in with all the resistance it can muster.  “I really don’t feel like doing this,” it says.  Followed by “This is a big commitment you know…are you sure about this?” and in a last ditch effort to get me to stop, “Hey – there’s a Monk marathon on right now…you know how much you love Tony Schaloub!”  But I stay strong and tell it to go away.  I’ve got important stuff to take care of.

I listen intently.  I take notes.  There’s a lot to take in, and I’ve got to admit, I’m a little overwhelmed.

It’s now Tuesday and I’ve been reading and copying and wracking my brain to try to nail down what it is that I want.  Not just what I want, but what I really, really want.  That whatever that reaches deep down inside and makes me tick.  Get it down on paper – just write something!  The ideas start to flow.  I think maybe I’m starting to get this!

Next thought:  they don’t all have to be deep do they?  Just keep going – even Gandhi probably had a shallow want at some point in his life.

Completion!  DMP submitted.  Yes!  I can really do this!!

Back off nerves!…until next week anyway…