Today my niece texted me a link to a story of a woman – or more accurately, a woman’s body – that was found  less than ten miles from her house.  The head, hands, and feet had all been cut off and the remainder of the body simply tossed near the water.  Along with the story was the mugshot of her boyfriend, the man accused of killing and dismembering her.

The pain that I felt was deep.  She was so young…so close to just beginning her adult life.  What right did he have to take her life?  Yes, I get it.  What really makes her up – her spirit – is always going to be there, but this lifetime, this chance to learn more spiritual lessons and move on to higher lessons is gone.

It’s situations like this and the growing hate that is seen in this country every day, that makes it a challenge to sit back and be a non-judgmental observer.  What does one do?  Simply ignore it and remain uninformed?  It seems to me that any emotion that someone feels is stemming from judgment.  You like it or you don’t, but either way have you not made a judgment call on your behalf to feel the way you feel?

I am the master of my emotions.  I’ve read this phrase and spoke this phrase over and over.

What I discovered this week is how amazing it is that no matter how many times you tell yourself those exact words, there are people out there that know how to push all your buttons and all mastering is lost.  I’ve heard it said that the hardest part of being a parent is trying to parent the “you” out of your children.  In this case, I would have to say that it is true.  No one knows me and is able to push and pull my emotions like my child.

Deep breaths.

Take a step back.  Take a short sit.

I am the master of my emotions.

What can I say?  It’s a journey.

I’m in a slump.  This winter feels like it has lasted for the last twelve years.  I didn’t realize before this how much the seasons impact how I feel.  I keep telling myself that sunshine and warm weather are right around the corner…but then I turn the corner and it’s still cold, snowy, and grey.

Even the “do it now” mantra that prior to this could push me forward, is having little impact on me.  In all honesty, I just want to curl up in a ball, lie in bed, and sleep.  I’m not sure if my subconscious is putting up the fight of its life, or  I’m seriously just exhausted from the winter cold.

Being an empath, I soak up other people’s emotions like a sponge.  I started paying attention and realized that it’s not just me.  Everyone around me is ready for a change.

For the next week, I’m going back to a practice I made my son do years ago, before he went to bed.  Instead of nightly prayers, I’d ask him to tell me something that he was grateful for.  I’m still recognizing my gratitudes on the index cards each day…but additionally, I’m going to tell myself at least one more thing that I’m grateful for before I go to sleep each night.  Maybe stewing on that each night will make me wake with a fresh outlook.  And seriously, how much longer can this winter last?

My son taught me a lesson in persistence this week.  He’s 19.  In college, with a job.  He’s inherited my admiration of Mercedes-Benz.

We have a deal that I will pay of portion of his college education but he also needs to contribute.  After one semester at a private, insanely expensive college, he decided he didn’t love what he was studying enough to go into crazy debt.  He has a goal of graduating college debt free, which I’m sure he will make.  He’s been quite strategic about taking classes at the local college that he can transfer into another college that has a fabulous reputation in the field he’s going into.

Since he’s gotten back, he’s been saving like crazy.  And then last week he saw an older, extremely well-kept Mercedes.  He asked me to look at it with him.  He dug into insurance costs.  He was dead-set that he was getting that car.  Not today, but eventually.

I was dead-set against it.  His car is fine.  It’s in good condition, gets good mileage, and should last him (with no payment) throughout college.  I tried to explain this to him.  I used logic.  I explained how insurance would be through the roof, how interest rates would be higher since he has no credit history, and also how he doesn’t have enough set aside yet to pay college in full.  He would not let it go.

He listened…for about a second…and then flew into action.  He picked up shifts at work.  He started taking surveys online.  He literally has been a whirlwind earning extra cash.

As fate would have it…thank goodness!…this Mercedes was not meant to be his.  This morning he told me he got an alert saying it’s been sold.  But he’s not stopping…he’s continuing the surveys and additional ways to pick up cash so he can save enough to cover college quickly…and then start saving for his Mercedes when he’s out of school.

Confession time.  I  understand and agree with the statement:  I am nature’s greatest miracle.  I’m diggin’ on the entire scroll – with the exception of one portion of a line:  for I was conceived in love and brought forth with a purpose.

No matter what I do, I cringe when I reach that line.  The simple reality is that I was not conceived in love.  I was conceived because sex feels good and – in all truth – beer.  Lots and lots of beer.  It’s taken a really long time to accept that fact as reality.  But it’s true.  I know it.  Subby knows it.  Love is not something that flowed freely – if at all – in the household I grew up in.  It’s embedded deeply and no amount of reprogramming will change it.

To eliminate the cringe and keep the positive vibes of the scroll going, I’ve made a slight alteration.  As with all the “wills”, I have crossed out the portion of being conceived in love.   I cannot change the past.  It’s gone.  I can however, have a positive impact on the future.   I was brought forth with a purpose and I will do all in my power to ensure that purpose is served.

I think I’ve seen Cool Runnings at least ten times before sitting down to this viewing.  It always just struck me as a feel-good movie.  You know…the protagonist gets the win in the end.

And it was those things this time around.  But yet it was more.  The message that stuck out to me most was persistence.  I mean, these guys could have given up a million times:  when they lost the qualifying race, when they had to learn a completely new sport, when their not-yet-coach said “no”, when they felt frozen tundra temperatures for the first time, when they really sucked, when Junior’s Dad said “no”, or when their sled finally said “no!”.

But they persisted.  They kept working.  They kept moving forward, getting better, gaining expertise, and finally gaining the respect that they truly deserved.  People called them crazy.  People called them unworthy.  But yet they persisted.  It’s the same thing that happens in everyday life when anyone tries to make a change.  The people you hang around with, see you going in your own direction and try to pull you back into their circle, by whatever means necessary.  It’s so much easier to just go with the flow and fall back into old habits.

But some of us persist.  And some of us make it to the next level…and the next.

Find your greatness.  Persist.  And you will win.

I am amazed at the strength of my subconscious.  I’ve pretty much always been health conscious.  I like to workout.  I get excited to each vegetables – I know…wierdo.  But I’ve never been what I’d consider to be “fit”.  I’ve never had the washboard abs that we all dreams about.  I’ve always been the chubby one.

I’ve been working with a trainer for the past 6 months.  I’ve had to re-prioritize a few things and am back to working out on my own.  While working with my trainer, I followed a low carb diet and it didn’t seem like a huge challenge.  I got up every day with intent that I was going to workout – lift, cardio, whatever needed to be done that day.

Yesterday I roasted a turkey…and since there were rolls in the freezer, I made them too.  My intent:  yes, you can have one roll.  My reality:  my subconscious outwitted me.  It started with the “OMG – this is amazing!” at the first bit of the roll.  And kept going through the “you’ve been doing the low carb thing for months now…you deserve this!  You really do”.  And finally ended with me lying in a big pile of guilt after about the fifth roll.

It outwitted me.  I caved.  Affirmation of health after affirmation of health and I still caved.

While I am disappointed, I am in awe of the strength of my subconscious.  It knows what it wants and it’s more than happy to play dirty to get it.  But just remember this:  now I know your tricks.

The Digital Audio class I’ve been taking ended this week.  I learned a ton and the final project:  What a Rush!

What I realized after I got home from class was that my old habits were trying to draw me back in.  I was diligent all through class about getting projects done prior to the deadlines.  I was diligent to stay on top of experimenting with the software.  It was energizing.  Upon walking out the building doors, all I felt was “you need some downtime.”  Watch a movie.  Take a nap.  Have a Diet Coke.  You deserve a break.

Most of the afternoon, my energy was simply gone.  Old habits.  I was a student for years and years.  The young years rewarded with the school year ending and getting that summer break to have fun day after day.  Even while working in high school and college, breaks still provided the rush of relief to have some downtime.  C’mon, who didn’t sleep in ’til noon on that first day after school was done?

My redeeming factor for the day:  Do It Now!  Because I had class in the morning, I was running late on services for the day.  Around 5pm-ish I made it to “Do It Now!” – which I am so grateful to say, broke my funk.  “Do It Now!” for me meant:  get off your ass and get to the gym…if you miss this workout you’ll be apt to miss another…do it now!!!

I was still tired and a little hazy, but I packed a bag and drove to the gym, repeating “Do It Now!” over and over again throughout the drive.  Walking through the door, the fog lifted.  Hit the treadmill and upped my time and sweat on the 15% incline.

That night was a win!  I’m still working on releasing the feelings of “you deserve a break” as they’ve been popping up.  It’s a process.

This week I was on Facebook and a friend posted a picture of this gigantic snake that had blood dripping down all over it.  The story that went along with it was that this guy had left his garage a little untidy.  A snake crawled in the garage and slithered over a saw that was on the floor.  Since the teeth of the saw were facing up, the snake cut itself.  To protect itself, it started wrapping itself around the saw and squeeze tighter and tighter, cutting itself deeper and deeper.  Bottom line, the snake ended up killing itself because it squeezed so tight that it cut itself into pieces.

I read the story a couple times.  The first time it was simply:  ewwww.  But the second time, it was more of a realization:  let it go.  Just let it go!

I’m getting better at letting things go – now quickly as things are happening – but some of those deep things that happened a million years ago are still hanging in there.  My challenge is clear:  free myself from these old hurts now so I can move forward & succeed.

A couple weeks ago I gave up television for a week as it was one of our planned services for the week.  I didn’t seem that difficult at the time.  I added a few more workouts in rotation.  I dedicated more time to planning the final project for another class I’m taking.  The time pretty much flew by.

This week I discovered what TV really means to me.  I’m still making sure to get those workouts in.  I’m knee deep in the final project.  But this week, I felt like I needed some TV time.  So I sit down in front of the TV and the first thing I felt was a rush of comfort…then about fifteen minutes later I felt guilty – that “you should really be doing something” feeling.

Comfort.  Looking back, I guess that makes sense.  Prior to this I went to sleep each night with the sleeper timer on the TV.  It wasn’t that I was watching or even directly listening to it.  But I would always have it on a show that had someone’s voice that I loved to hear.  A million years ago, when Vince McMahon hosted Monday Night Raw, I would look forward to Monday nights…not for the show as much as hearing that voice.  It was strong.  It was commanding.  To me, it was soothing…and I could fall asleep soooo easily.

So now that I know…what am I going to do to move forward?  I think it’s time to check out some podcasts or maybe audio books.  And actually be conscious of what’s on when the TV is on.  Since subby is always listening, it must be fed properly.